I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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