yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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