hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
