so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
