Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
