I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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