Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
