Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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