I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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