She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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