Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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