there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
