Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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