her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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