I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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