yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
