I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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