Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
In other news, I just burned my penis
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
