I'm so fucking centered right now
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Randomize
