if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
