Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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