I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
