My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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