I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
