Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
