Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
