Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
