you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
two words: eviction party
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
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Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
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So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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