i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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