it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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