I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
