I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
