i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize