im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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