I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
