u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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