The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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