I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
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