i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
