3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
