I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
