I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
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