Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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