planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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