My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
