so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
