she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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