Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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