I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
