i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
