My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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