Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Im just a social blackout drinker.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
