I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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