You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
