My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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